do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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