Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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