Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
