I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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