then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
