he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
