Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
