I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
