I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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