So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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