She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
