theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
