What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
