Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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