Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
