Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
