Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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