I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
