Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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