I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
