I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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