My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
