i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
