Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
