even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
