How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
