I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
