Cold hands, warm shart.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
