My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
