tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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