I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
