I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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