so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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