I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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