is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
