I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
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telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses