Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.