I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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