I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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