just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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