its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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