I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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