Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
