My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
