i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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