You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.