Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.