I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today