This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
