There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
