Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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