maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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