nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
