wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
