Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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