I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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