I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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