I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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